To Come to the End of Yourself

I found the “end of myself” (or rather the end of one facet of myself—there is so much flesh yet to overcome) this weekend. It was a painful, humbling, freeing process.

Finding the end of yourself is not a beautiful thing at first by any means. You look at yourself and all you can see is the grime, the sin, the ugliness of human nature, the lack of faith, the self centered-ness, the stench of being unthankful, etc.

I’d manipulated situations, even tried to manipulate God in order to get my own way… and I couldn’t do it any longer… I broke down, made a fool of myself, gave up… etc, etc. etc. -------------I’d come * da dum * -- to the end of myself.

I looked at myself this weekend in total, unutterable disgust. I couldn’t bare myself, and I wondered, even more so… how it was anyone else could.

Some would say, oh! But Grace, Grace! And, indeed they’d be right… but, God knew I needed to become disgusted. I needed to see all of that for what it was before I’d realize how much I needed that Grace.

You see, in God’s mercy… He forgives me… by His grace, I came to the end of myself. It was His grace that caused me to loose my monopoly-like game and to see it for what it was. Without his grace, my hair would still be falling out, and stress would remain my middle name.
I didn’t see this until Sunday though.

During worship as we were singing Father of Creation… I clearly heard the Lord say, “It is for such a time as this that you are called.” What?! I don’t know about you, but this made no sense to me. Then, I remembered, Saturday at the ladies meeting mom had shared on a woman named Cecilia (am I right? I don’t remember names very well). This woman was vastly different from the culture… even the “Christian” culture. She was a strong woman. Mom ended with saying, we are “called to be strong women.”

I just pondered that for a while, and then… Randy Reid was called upon to preach… and it was marked for me. I felt like I’d sat on that front row with a target taped to my forehead and subtitles running through my eyes reading everything that I’d been through just the day before.
God read my mail… and, I thought I’d feel horrible… I thought I’d be distraught, broken, disheartened. I knew I should feel like a failure, like I should be ashamed… but instead, I felt released! The joy of GRACE covered my during this sermon and the revelation of the grace that comes from repentance tore through my being and ravaged my human understanding.
This was freedom! The laying aside of my desires, of my manipulative lifestyle, etc… was a gift of freedom!

What’s the song say, “So, won’t you give your all to Jesus? Because there is freedom!” I really and truly do need to be free of myself to be strong… I found myself to be absolutely, without a doubt, weak. Just to be lifted up and told, “I chose the weak things of this world to lead the strong.”

Oh the grace God has for me. Let me never forfeit it for my “own strength” because inevitably, there will be a day when I do not find the end of myself… when the grace for that is taken from me, and I will live according to my own desires in misery. God truly does know best for me… and now, I must believe it.

Lord, I believe, now help my unbelief.